Following on from the last couple of weeks of blogs, I find myself talking about what it all boils down to for me; the reason that I have wanted to get ‘high’ my whole life. And it seems so trivial when I say it out loud, for there is no trauma, no massively horrific event that triggered the self-destruct button in my teens. You may even laugh at me because this one thought, or belief, triggered so much pain and struggle.
I AM SCARED OF BEING TIRED
There I said it
It’s out in the open
Presented into the public area
It’s one of the reasons that I never had children
It has prevented me from getting into the festival and camping scenes
This fear has stopped so many things
Plus fuelled the desire for its opposite
BEING SCARED OF BEING TIRED
Has debilitated me
And given me this huge appetite for stimulants of all descriptions
But now it is time to change the pattern of behaviour underneath the substances once and for all; this is my quest; this is my current drive.
Why this irrational fear?
What in fact am I afraid of?
Life passing me by?
Being too tired to notice the magic?
Wanting to make the most of life?
I don’t even really know which one of the above is the driving force, but I guess they all have a part to play. And it is because this pattern is so ingrained that I can’t even remember why.
I began taking Pro Plus when I was 17 and working full time at John Lewis. I was severely burning the candle at both ends; up at 6 to get into London each morning, taking ecstasy, smoking weed and partying at night. Some nights I’d get no sleep at all if clubbing in London, driving home to have a bath and get my uniform on only to get the train back into the capital.
My manager noticed me popping copious amounts of Pro Plus (pure caffeine in tablet form) and warned me of their danger. I didn’t take heed until one night in a club I took too many and had heart palpitations; that scared the shit out of me and I drastically reduced their intake but began to look for a replacement, bumping into Guarana; caffeine in its natural form.
And so the cycle began again with the next substance.
This began in the late 80s
And it is only now 30 years later that I am ready to know who I am
Willing to feel tired
Two weeks into being stimulant free
The difference now is that my life is so ‘clean’ that ironically I don’t feel tired!
With a plant-based diet I have more energy than ever, so actually the shift has not been difficult. But boy has this been a long journey.
I went to a funeral on Thursday – and didn’t need alcohol to commiserate
I went to a birthday part on Friday – and didn’t need to eat sugar to celebrate
I had a bad nights sleep last night – and won’t need caffeine to get me through the day
Instead I make sure I get on my cushion
Instead I know that I don’t need a substance
Instead I am strong enough in myself to get through
I now KNOW what to do instead
I have my non-negotiables; those pick-me-ups that are actually GOOD for me like meditation, massage, a walk in nature, a long hot bath and of course an early night.
Who knew it could be so easy
Why did I fight it my whole life
For this equilibrium is true bliss
And what I have been searching for my whole life
The fear finally and totally gone….
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