What Follows Has Shocked Me šŸ˜±

 

I have always written
Itā€™s always been the way I have been able to express my feelings, and so many times I didnā€™t even realise I was feeling this way until I wrote it down.
And I want to share the evolution on this blog and of my own experience; there was SO MUCH struggleā€¦.
With booze
With smoking
With cocaine
With relationships/men
With my weight
With my looks

There is no filter on what you are about to read, andĀ I have to admit thatĀ what followsĀ hasĀ shocked me. Of course when it was all written I never thought in a million years I would be making it public, but I think it will help some see (especially if you donā€™t know me so well) how bad my addictions got.
Iā€™ve not looked at these entriesĀ since 2011 when I wrote my first book, and the shift from 2005/6 to 2011 was huge, but now to 2017 is truly extreme.
It is like reading about someone else
I have come so far away from ā€˜that Joā€™ I can hardly recognise her, and this is good news for it means that no matter how you are feeling right now your situation can and will change, if you want it to. IĀ walked this path of addiction and struggle for 20 years, and then set myselfĀ free, and if I can do it so can youā€¦

DRUGS šŸ’Š

MONDAY,Ā DECEMBERĀ 2005

āI just freaked out.Ā  I have never felt so out of control and horribly in my whole drug taking life.Ā  I have taken some drugs in my time, but I have never felt so scared. Pure panic set inā€¦I was with someone I didnā€™t want to be with and I couldnā€™t tell them how I was feelingā€¦I couldnā€™t leave because I was too bollixed to drive home.Ā  I was going to the toilet just to try to get my head together, and that only made me feel worse. I cant describe how awful it was. I cant communicate.Ā Iā€™m soĀ wanting to so be in the jungle, alone, and sober.Ā  I have never felt panic like it for such a prolonged timeā€¦.my panic attacks on tubes were nothing compared to this as I simply could get off the train at the next stop.Ā  This was a situation I just couldnā€™t get out ofā€¦and it seemed to go on forever.Ā  All I wanted was to feel normalā€¦for the effect of the drug to wear off.Ā  I kept trying to tell my brain I was ok, but brain was not responding.
I donā€™t ever want to feel like that again.
Right now I feel that I donā€™t ever want to drink, take drugs, or smoke pot ever again.
I thank the universe for the HUGE lesson/step that I was given. (now that its over and Iā€™m safely back in the jungle, alone & sober!)
I have xmas less than one week away and then new year.Ā  Itā€™s a mammoth task to stay sober for that period but that is how I feel right now.Ā  You cant be given a gift (even though it felt like I was in hell) and not take notice and learn from it.Ā  I feel lucky that this experience happened because I needed something big like this to realise how stupid I have been for so many years.
In 2 weeks time I will be the General Manager of a detox center for gods sake.
So perfect timing really.
Any universe I truly thank you for the lesson and promise to take the message and move forward.
I need to use this experience too to stop smoking. When Iā€™m having a ā€˜pangā€™ I need to remember that panic of Saturday night.Ā  That is what drugs do.āž

SMOKING šŸš¬

MONDAY, JANUARYĀ 2006

āI can use the withdrawal from fags as a withdrawal from the old Jo.Ā  Say goodbye to it all at once.Ā  I can put all the associations together in one package.Ā  My smoking is a huge part of my issues, and as said before, is the last real hold over me.Ā  So when I experience withdrawal over the next hours, days, months, I will put it all together and let go of all of it.
Great to have a plan!!āž

THE VERY NEXT DAY

āSmoking again as IĀ writeĀ this!!Ā  Smoking makes me feel ILL.Ā  So why do I do it??Ā  Why do I keep putting myself through the same pattern of behaviour??Ā Ā  Why canā€™t I let go of it??Ā  Why cant I embrace my new positive, healthy future??Ā  What is it that holds me back??Ā  What is it that I am unable to let go of??
Answers on the back of a postcard please!!!

Excusesā€¦.
How many can I come up with to stay a smoker??Ā  Last night it was S.Ā  The night before that it was because its Sunday, then it was because Iā€™ve got issues.Ā  Itā€™s always tomorrowā€¦itā€™s always being put offā€¦.itā€™s never NOW.Ā  And the power IS NOW!
No more excuses please.Ā  Iā€™m soooo very tired of this subject matter.
How amazing it will be to write about something other than smoking!!Ā  I canā€™t actually picture that right now!!
Maybe I wonā€™t write a journal anymore!!Ā  Nothing to say!!āž

BOOZE šŸ·

TUESDAY, FEBRUARYĀ 2006

āIā€™m scared of what Iā€™m capable of when Iā€™m drinkingā€¦Iā€™m out of control.Ā xmas and new year were awful.Ā  Last night in MK I was a little tipsy and had that sudden rush of ā€œLETS GET OUT OF ITā€™Ā Ā  why??Ā Ā  Why do I want to get out of my head, when I like what is in my head in the beginningā€¦.sober.
Iā€™ve got an intuitive voice in my head saying ā€˜then just donā€™t drink then Joā€¦.itā€™s as simple as that.ā€™
ā€¦.just like smoking really!Ā  Just donā€™t smokeā€¦.easy.
Is that it?Ā  If I canā€™t control it donā€™t do it.Ā  It makes sense.
But why do I want to lose control in the first place?
Getting out of your head is escapism, and I like me sober, I like my life.
So why and from what am I running away from?????
Why am I so afraid of being sober?Ā  Do I not want people to see the real Jo?Ā  But I like the real Jo!!
Ok so the real Jo is boring compared to party Jo, but party Jo is officially in retirement.
I want to be in control of my life and behaviour at all times.
Itā€™s boring being addicted, stuck, blocked & out of control.
That panic is still with meā€¦.its there under the surface, I felt it again last night and can feel it now. YUK.
To workā€¦.āž

šŸ‡¹šŸ‡­

The above excerpts are from my journals when I was living in Thailand. It was a difficult time; I was single, struggling, lonely.
But my writing was like a friend
A connection
And I really didnā€™t understand just how cathartic it was; I dread to think where Iā€™d be if I hadnā€™t of done it. It gave me a reference, and nowĀ allowsĀ me to go back and remember just how bad it got, because I am so different now. Totally free.All of the pain that youā€™ve read about above made me who I am today
And enables me to hold the space for others to walk the path
For I know what youā€™re feeling
I know what youā€™re going through
I understand your cravingThere is no one who is ā€˜too far goneā€™
We all have hope as our birthright
And belief in yourself is something that I give you permission to activate
For it will carry you into an amazing and beautiful world where literally there is no craving for anything, for you realise that it was within all alongā€¦.

*this blog was originally published in JuneĀ 2017

Member Quote Of The Day.

In this section you will read something that has been said by one of the Quantum Sobriety Online Programme members over on the very lively private forum:

“It was lovely to meet up with you ***Ā yesterday. The beautiful butterfly and gorgeous 8-week old puppy who joined us were signs of renewal, finding our truth and evolving into what we are meant to be.
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