What Follows Has Shocked Me 😱

 

I have always written
It’s always been the way I have been able to express my feelings, and so many times I didn’t even realise I was feeling this way until I wrote it down.
And I want to share the evolution on this blog and of my own experience; there was SO MUCH struggle….
With booze
With smoking
With cocaine
With relationships/men
With my weight
With my looks

There is no filter on what you are about to read, and I have to admit that what follows has shocked me. Of course when it was all written I never thought in a million years I would be making it public, but I think it will help some see (especially if you don’t know me so well) how bad my addictions got.
I’ve not looked at these entries since 2011 when I wrote my first book, and the shift from 2005/6 to 2011 was huge, but now to 2017 is truly extreme.
It is like reading about someone else
I have come so far away from ‘that Jo’ I can hardly recognise her, and this is good news for it means that no matter how you are feeling right now your situation can and will change, if you want it to. I walked this path of addiction and struggle for 20 years, and then set myself free, and if I can do it so can you…

DRUGS 💊

MONDAY, DECEMBER 2005

❝I just freaked out.  I have never felt so out of control and horribly in my whole drug taking life.  I have taken some drugs in my time, but I have never felt so scared. Pure panic set in…I was with someone I didn’t want to be with and I couldn’t tell them how I was feeling…I couldn’t leave because I was too bollixed to drive home.  I was going to the toilet just to try to get my head together, and that only made me feel worse. I cant describe how awful it was. I cant communicate. I’m so wanting to so be in the jungle, alone, and sober.  I have never felt panic like it for such a prolonged time….my panic attacks on tubes were nothing compared to this as I simply could get off the train at the next stop.  This was a situation I just couldn’t get out of…and it seemed to go on forever.  All I wanted was to feel normal…for the effect of the drug to wear off.  I kept trying to tell my brain I was ok, but brain was not responding.
I don’t ever want to feel like that again.
Right now I feel that I don’t ever want to drink, take drugs, or smoke pot ever again.
I thank the universe for the HUGE lesson/step that I was given. (now that its over and I’m safely back in the jungle, alone & sober!)
I have xmas less than one week away and then new year.  It’s a mammoth task to stay sober for that period but that is how I feel right now.  You cant be given a gift (even though it felt like I was in hell) and not take notice and learn from it.  I feel lucky that this experience happened because I needed something big like this to realise how stupid I have been for so many years.
In 2 weeks time I will be the General Manager of a detox center for gods sake.
So perfect timing really.
Any universe I truly thank you for the lesson and promise to take the message and move forward.
I need to use this experience too to stop smoking. When I’m having a ‘pang’ I need to remember that panic of Saturday night.  That is what drugs do.❞

SMOKING 🚬

MONDAY, JANUARY 2006

❝I can use the withdrawal from fags as a withdrawal from the old Jo.  Say goodbye to it all at once.  I can put all the associations together in one package.  My smoking is a huge part of my issues, and as said before, is the last real hold over me.  So when I experience withdrawal over the next hours, days, months, I will put it all together and let go of all of it.
Great to have a plan!!❞

THE VERY NEXT DAY

❝Smoking again as I write this!!  Smoking makes me feel ILL.  So why do I do it??  Why do I keep putting myself through the same pattern of behaviour??   Why can’t I let go of it??  Why cant I embrace my new positive, healthy future??  What is it that holds me back??  What is it that I am unable to let go of??
Answers on the back of a postcard please!!!

Excuses….
How many can I come up with to stay a smoker??  Last night it was S.  The night before that it was because its Sunday, then it was because I’ve got issues.  It’s always tomorrow…it’s always being put off….it’s never NOW.  And the power IS NOW!
No more excuses please.  I’m soooo very tired of this subject matter.
How amazing it will be to write about something other than smoking!!  I can’t actually picture that right now!!
Maybe I won’t write a journal anymore!!  Nothing to say!!❞

BOOZE 🍷

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 2006

❝I’m scared of what I’m capable of when I’m drinking…I’m out of control. xmas and new year were awful.  Last night in MK I was a little tipsy and had that sudden rush of “LETS GET OUT OF IT’   why??   Why do I want to get out of my head, when I like what is in my head in the beginning….sober.
I’ve got an intuitive voice in my head saying ‘then just don’t drink then Jo….it’s as simple as that.’
….just like smoking really!  Just don’t smoke….easy.
Is that it?  If I can’t control it don’t do it.  It makes sense.
But why do I want to lose control in the first place?
Getting out of your head is escapism, and I like me sober, I like my life.
So why and from what am I running away from?????
Why am I so afraid of being sober?  Do I not want people to see the real Jo?  But I like the real Jo!!
Ok so the real Jo is boring compared to party Jo, but party Jo is officially in retirement.
I want to be in control of my life and behaviour at all times.
It’s boring being addicted, stuck, blocked & out of control.
That panic is still with me….its there under the surface, I felt it again last night and can feel it now. YUK.
To work….❞

🇹🇭

The above excerpts are from my journals when I was living in Thailand. It was a difficult time; I was single, struggling, lonely.
But my writing was like a friend
A connection
And I really didn’t understand just how cathartic it was; I dread to think where I’d be if I hadn’t of done it. It gave me a reference, and now allows me to go back and remember just how bad it got, because I am so different now. Totally free.All of the pain that you’ve read about above made me who I am today
And enables me to hold the space for others to walk the path
For I know what you’re feeling
I know what you’re going through
I understand your cravingThere is no one who is ‘too far gone’
We all have hope as our birthright
And belief in yourself is something that I give you permission to activate
For it will carry you into an amazing and beautiful world where literally there is no craving for anything, for you realise that it was within all along….

*this blog was originally published in June 2017

Member Quote Of The Day.

In this section you will read something that has been said by one of the Quantum Sobriety Online Programme members over on the very lively private forum:

“It was lovely to meet up with you *** yesterday. The beautiful butterfly and gorgeous 8-week old puppy who joined us were signs of renewal, finding our truth and evolving into what we are meant to be.
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