Prior to any great shift I have always felt the pull backwards beforehand; a dive even deeper into the depths of whatever I am working on. It happened with smoking first, I remember being physically sick on numerous occasions as I smoked all of the cigarettes in my packet so that there were none left in the morning. Then it was alcohols turn; more puke down the toilet and a photo taken, this was very near the end of my addiction to alcohol, to ensure I remembered in full technicolour how very terrible I felt in that moment.

I have scoffed chips
Sweets
Crisps
Chocolate
Even my beloved ceremonial cacao

This retreat has, of course, been no different
And on the eve of the first day, whilst in the safety of the Tibetan monastery, I found myself in their shop purchasing food
Not the kind of food that I normally eat
And not the quantity I normally eat

I gave myself permission
AS LONG AS I MEDITATED AFTERWARDS
AND WROTE ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE
IN MY JOURNAL

One large packet of salt and vinegar crisps, a bar of Green and Blacks and two slices of toast later and a very sick feeling Jo did indeed sit on her cushion, then she began to write. You see the very next day I was to take monastic vows for the first of many days, and go into long periods of fasting (I’ll write about that next week) and silence. In a sense my power was being taken away for I would not be allowed to even get myself a cup of tea for the duration of the retreat; you are only able to drink and eat what is given to you at the allotted times.

There was a part of me that was yelling out
Screaming to not be told what to do
Rebeling
Shouting
And being as naughty as I could

Allowing the child to have its tantrum will exhaust it
And inner child Jo was very remorseful once her belly was full of junk
I know how my mind works and doing something to the extreme just before I let it go is a pattern I am well aware of through the decades of substance addiction

I also knew that I was about to pop out of the other side of something
The very work that I was personally currently doing =

FOOD
Changing the way I eat and what I eat

And this binge was actually exactly what I needed to push me through the door of freedom
To show me that this is not what I want to eat
Or how I want to eat
This was a behaviour, and type of food, that no longer interests me
And going back to it was like taking one last taste
Once last dance with the devil
Before saying an almighty BYE BYE!

Just as I have done before with alcohol, cocaine, cigarettes, sugar, caffeine, and countless other substances I stepped into the arena of junk food for the very last time. And as soon as I wrote those words down in my journal, and then said them out loud to myself in my retreat room, my whole being said YES, and then THANK YOU.

What a gift I had given myself to walk into the first full day of the retreat, under monastic vows, with a personal vow and intention for myself; to truly look after myself in the best way possible each and every moment. To value myself and my path so much that it now seems ridiculous to consume anything that does not nourish my journey.

There really is no holding back now

All of the energy that I have been using on this
Will now be redirected
To lifting me up

You know when you are consumed by something
Not able to think about anything else
…I’ve done this with all of my addictions

And when ceased a gap appears
You leap into a state of openness
Space
Peace
You just liberated yourself
And suddenly everything looks different…