I’ve been here before
Watching the slide
Watched myself give increasingly generous excuses to be sloppy, greedy, and step back into my old reality. It’s like I slowly descend into my past, perhaps not quite believing I can make this shift, and watch as I begin to drown in limitation.

And it’s ok
For this is all happening from an observer role
It’s interesting to watch
And I know myself so well now, that I am kicking back and watching the show

Not everyone has the desire to push their boundaries like I do
First drugs and cigarettes, then alcohol and sugar, and now a quest to eat raw food
I know I am capable of sticking to 90% raw for the next 38 weeks, even though the last four weeks have edged somewhere between 100% and 50% raw, with one day having 90% cooked food  

I noticed the disappointment, disgust, shame and guilt that I had let myself down
But only for the flicker of a second
For I know this is all part of the journey

I have picked myself up so many times before from the depth of my psyche
I am strong
I am driven
I have the addictive gene
I know that I can allow it to destroy me or awaken me
And I will always succeed because I know myself so deeply, via my meditation practice

I LIKE pushing myself
I ENJOY the challenge
It is when I feel most ALIVE
Most EXPANDED
I LOVE bouncing around the pinball machine of life
And I also know that not everyone gets that

It’s ok
We are all different
I am knowing myself better through this year of raw
I always knew it would be a challenge, and yes I just hit my first wall and couldn’t get over it, but I’ll be more prepared next time

There is no self-flagellation
No self-hate
Just an interested enquiry into why I hold myself back from what I actually want to do; in the past I couldn’t put the wine glass down, before that it was impossible for me to go out and enjoy myself without cocaine, and I remember not being able to even make a phone call without first lighting a cigarette. I knew I didn’t want to do these things yet there was a part of me that took over, OVERRULED all sense, and it is this very nature that I am experiencing once again. Albeit in a less devastating way; the booze and the drugs had to be cleared first so that I can investigate this aspect of myself in a gentle way, via food. 

And we all do this right? We all know what foods and drinks support us, yet we choose to fill ourselves with something that does the opposite. Why? Why on earth do we do this?! I seriously want to know!  

I’ve always said to my food addict clients that this addiction is so much more insidious than the rest; we HAVE to eat; we cannot just cast aside food like we do with alcohol, cigarettes, and cocaine. We HAVE to find some balance, and often this journey is one of the longest and most challenging. Add in the social conditioning and the lies that the food companies have fed us for decades, and we are in troubled waters; finding an equilibrium in this area, I have found, is a massive challenge.

However that is what I am attempting
To find what is right for my own body
To not listen to what the ‘experts’ say, for who could possibly be more expert than me in regards to my own well-being. 
Then having the confidence to follow my own advice through
To be ok when I falter and find myself with chip shop chips for dinner (last night)
And I am ok with that, more than ok in fact, because I really enjoyed them! 

I’ve dropped the drama around food
There is no more forcing
Instead a dropping down into what is right for me in each moment
The first 10 weeks I was at least 90% raw
The last 4 weeks between 10% and 100%, averaging around a daily 50% 

This week something new has kicked in and there is a gentle motivational explorative enquiry into what is possible;
I know that by detoxing the body I will be able to embody and anchor in more light 
I know that I will become less human / solid and connect more with the energy of who I really am
And this is exactly the purpose of this year
As we approach 2020 and the year of balance
I wish to enter light, open, and ready for what we have been working towards for the whole of our lives

It is time
No more delay
Let’s do this
See where we can go
Who’s with me?