And continued all the way through
Even leaking out into my journey home
This girl stood next to me on the second night whilst I was ecstatic dancing
And there was something about her vibe that I took an instant dislike to
There was an air of,
“Look at me”
“I fancy the pants off myself”
But I also knew I was witness to this ONLY because I was ready to move through something myself. My mind took me back to the days many years ago that I too had this attitude of aloofness; I’ve always been blessed with confidence, but during my late teens and 20s I became over confident and enjoyed people being slightly scared of me. Gaining power over others I perceived to be attractive, until I realised that it really was quite the opposite; separating myself from others in this way became something that I literally couldn’tdo.
So I smelt this a mile off
Only because I knew it
On that second night I watched as when I moved across the dance floor to a new location, Bitch Girl seemed to follow. She was like an elastic band; snapping back and pinching me every minute. I couldn’t get away from her it seemed.
So I went deeper
Into my ‘old’ life
How was this situation serving me now?
What was I being asked to look at, and then release?
I journaled around who I used to be, how that made me feel, and saw just how far I’ve come
Yet still the Bitch Girl persisted in following me about. Out of 450 people there were many that even on day 5 or 6 I had never seen before, yet here was this annoying girl EVERYWHERE!
In the end I welcomed her
Knowing that she was forcing me into the trigger point; that uncomfortable place that I knew so well in drug, alcohol and food addiction. When we realise that the only way through the situation is INTO it; and that I was being nudged to rest in the flame of discomfort. I know there is no point in running away from it for it is within us, and there is therefore nowhere to run.
So I sank deeply into allowance
Opened my arms to the lesson
Inviting evolution into the situation
On the way home on the train there seemed to be just two of us travelling to Eindhoven airport. We had to get one train and then change onto another. At the changeover station there was just me and my travel partner, and can you believe it….Bitch Girl and her friend! I couldn’t believe it, out of 450 people it had to be HER. As I walked past her I said in a cheery voice,
She looked at me with what you could only say was distaste and snarled,
“Do I know you?”
I was totally taken aback
And immediately went into I’m not enough mode
Feeling about an inch tall as I pulled my heavy suitcase toward the train door, as it came to a stop. The four of us got onto the same carriage, and once we were on safely it turned out that these three ladies all knew each other online, and began to talk about a programme they are on (which I am not). I was completely left out of the conversation and sank back into the background exploring how Bitch Girl had made me feel with her cutting remark.
What was interesting was that I instantly and easily took myself out of victim mode, recognising that I had a choice as to how I took Bitch Girls words. I floated around the edge of the situation, looking in at it from a detached orientation; like this was not happening to me at all.
She had triggered me massively
Yet I was ok with it
I saw how I already had the tools to cope with this via my journey with drugs and alcohol
How in the beginning when I got triggered to drink / smoke / binge-eat it was happening DIRECTLY to me, and I seemed to not have a choice in giving in to the desire; it took me over.
Then the next stage was a distance opening up
A vantage point from which to OBSERVE the desire as it arose
Without NEEDING to act upon it
Like I was sitting in a viewing chamber, watching the whole thing play out
I was in a place of non-reaction
And walking around the situation looking in from all angles
Like moving around an amphitheater and seeing the play from the front, back, and both sides
I was in a place of not needing anything from it
Knowing that it was down to me as to how I would respond
Would I get offended or not?
The answer was not
For, and here is the crux of it
I DIDN’T NEED HER APPROVAL
And as soon as those words moved through my mind and into full consciousness, I smiled, and I knew that the lesson had been learned in that moment.
And as if these three were waiting for that cue, Bitch Girls friend turned to me and said,
“I remember you, I was dancing next to you”
Giving me the approval that I didn’t need
Proving to me that when we go chasing for anything we push away what we long for
When we need nothing from anything
We magnetise connection
The Bitch Girl became the Gift Girl
Forever in my heart
And I said goodbye to her on that train with silent thanks deep within me
Knowing that I had created her/the situation anyway; to have this experience so that I could shed yet another layer on my path toward self-realisation….
Residential Retreat and Online Member