I had a deep shift yesterday which began in my meditation and was then reinforced as I trained, and then again throughout the day as I received confirmation that this new way of thinking is indeed how we are supposed to view ourselves.
For my whole life I have been covering up, scared to show my true self, and hiding behind anything I could to stop myself from being ME.
And it began nearly 30 years ago when I started smoking cigarettes.
My parents have never smoked so I didn’t pick this behaviour up from them, but I can see how I used the smoke as a barrier, quite literally a smokescreen.
a cloud of smoke created to conceal military operations.
“troops laid down a smokescreen to cover the rescue of the victims”
a ruse designed to disguise someone’s real intentions or activities.
“he tried to create a smokescreen by quibbling about the statistics”
I hid myself behind a continued cloud of smoke, feeling safe and protected from life here, and only now some three decades later realising what I was doing.
A few years after creating this first mask for myself I moved to ecstasy and cocaine; taking myself to higher levels; moving further away from my soul and constructing a new persona. I was more confident, felt alive, awake and expanded. But these highs came with painful lows; days and weeks of suffering and thus yearning to reach that fake summit again.
Ten years ago I stopped drugging, but I didn’t stop hiding.
The behaviour mutated to drinking.
I was now using alcohol to numb out from myself and life; literally drinking until I blacked out and became UNCONSCIOUS.
I also began to overeat at this time too.
I watched my body become softer and fuller, like I was constructing a protective padded suit to insulate me from life.
I knew I was in there, safe, sheltering from the harshness of life.
Where it’s scary to be yourself.
Where it’s intimidating to show who you really are.
The pressure to conform to what society deems as ‘normal’ being titanic.
And what if you get rejected being yourself?
Is that why we create the smokescreens?
If we show the facade and get denied then we can build another one; a denser one:
Prescription/over the counter drugs
…..all safeguarding us from our truth.
This is what we learn from society.
Protect your soul
Don’t get rejected
You can’t handle it
Meditation is the exact opposite, which is perhaps why some find it SO difficult in the beginning.
We have to peel away all of these layers that have been there a lifetime; it’s not going to happen overnight.
It takes dedication
Strength of character
But what I touched in on yesterday was my core
And I had an image and feeling of this wadding that i’ve placed around myself, and how it spans the whole of my life. It’s now nearly gone and yesterday I experienced myself totally.
No protective layer
It was BEAUTIFUL
And I know that others see it in me, like I see it in you.
SO WHY CAN’T WE SEE IT IN OURSELVES?
These feelings and words have been formulating inside me over the past 24 hours, but as I express them in word form here I have tears falling down my face as they are released, and I become unobstructed from my true nature…..
Meditation can take YOU there.
Deep into your subconscious mind.
Where all the answers lie.
And I can show you the steps that I took to become MYSELF.
It is my souls work to do so.
And it makes me happier than anything else.
Let me be a bridge between your worlds.
We can do this together.
YOU are not alone.