None of it was wrong.
Whatever your addiction has led you to do, had to happen to bring you to this point, reading this blog and learning about QS.
It was all meant to be like this.
YOUR ADDICTION IS YOUR TEACHER
So what is it teaching you?
The answer is what the QS meditations guide you towards, and I got a big fat answer a couple of days ago which I alluded to in yesterdays blog. My mentor pulled the information out of me like blood from a stone; I thought I’d leant what I needed to from my addiction teacher but no there was a lot more…..
I have never fit in.
As far back as I can remember there are memories of acting out, rebelling on every level, of doing things a different way.
And then as I began to let my light shine I got scared
It was too bright
I was visible and I didn’t want to show my differences
So I began to dull myself down
I drank to numb out
I partied hard by night and slunk into the shadows by day
I withdrew into the internal fight of addiction
Aged 16 with cigarettes all the way through to 40 years old; one substance after another diminishing my light
And it went on until I could accept myself for who I really was
Until it felt safe to be me
But in those dark years it was like I was trying to kill the real me, obliterate her, and offer the world what I thought it wanted me to be instead
I’m shocked looking back at how little regard I had for me back then
How I truly believed I wasn’t enough
When all I had to really do was be more me, rather than less
I had it completely back to front
And so many go through life like this totally unaware of what they are doing. But us addicts have chosen a teacher to guide us back to ourselves. Without the drugs and alcohol I would probably still be walking around blindly appeasing the world around me, and I am thankful to them for teaching me how to like and then love myself.
Now I can conduct myself as my authentic self
I no longer need to show the world another face, a false language or an exaggerated version of me.
What you see is what you get now, and I am ok if people don’t understand or get me. For my life is at last congruent on every level and if feels so good to be me again!
And what did I do to achieve this?
You know me well enough by now to know the answer I’m sure!
Sitting with yourself, over and over again.
Learning about who you really are
Realising that you ARE enough just as you are
Thank you drugs
Thank you cigarettes
Thank you wine
Without you I wouldn’t know myself half as well as I do now.
None of it was wrong.
It all had to be like this, and I am eternally grateful for what I have learned.
Member Quote Of The Day.
In this section you will read something that has been said by one of the Quantum Sobriety Online Programme members over in the very lively private forum: