Day 141

As the density burns away.

I’ve been burning up in my sleep the last few nights
But waking up full of beans
I know instinctively that I and us as a planet are in a very direct phase with the opportunity to clear negative karma that we have been carrying around with us for potentially years.

The night burning is different to a fever
I literally feel like I am burning from the inside out, without a single shiver, and wake up in the night hot to the touch even though the outside temperature (of the bedroom) has not changed.

And I offer myself up to the quantum
Willing to let go of all that I am ready to
Each second an opportunity to do so
Each breath holding the potential for transformation

Our density burns away
And another layer is shown
New lessons and learnings on their way
The destination never attained
We only find ourselves a little further along the journey

I’m sure I’ve told many of you the story of when I went to HH Dalai Lama’s teachings in 2008. After five days of teachings in Nottingham I then travelled up to Samye Ling in Scotland where I took four (of five, but more about that in tomorrows blog) Buddhists precepts (lay person vows) with Ringu Tulku Rinpoche; a very renowned Tibetan Lama.

I became unwell on the journey home, ending up in hospital and a feather away from septicaemia. Little be known to me an ovarian cyst had burst and I had not gone to the doctors in a week of feeling unwell post travel, as I didn’t want to ‘make a fuss’.
Silly me!
A HUGE lesson learnt there!
That decision had massive repercussions!

In an ensuing operation my bladder was nicked and I had a lengthy stay in hospital until it was fully healed. Needless to say it was a traumatic time on all levels; mentally, physically, financially (I was self-employed) and spiritually; you cannot meditate when on the highest strength antibiotics administered continually through an IV.

However, even though this was a difficult time I had the sense throughout that something important was happening. Even for the sheer timing of the whole illness; I KNEW that a whole load of karma was rippening. It was weird that I was so philosophical about the whole thing and many people said how impressed they were about how calm I was through this nightmare. And it took months to recover from it and as I write these words I am understanding that another layer of this is coming up for healing right now.

For there are no coincidences
Nothing just happens for no reason
However most of the time we are unconscious to the learning
We’re too busy to see it
Too wrapped up in how to solve it (yesterdays blog)
So the lesson goes unnoticed and the universe has to bring another situation into our lives that hopefully we WILL be able to see. This is obviously going to be a bigger, more dramatic experience than the last for we missed it last time!

Can you see how things escalate?
Can you see that when we SLOW DOWN and pick up on the first imbalance that we have the opportunity THEN to deal with it, heal it, and then release it from our lives PERMANENTLY?
So I am willing to feel the heat
As my density burns away
Like an outer layer peeling off
And a newer shinier version of me unveiled

No resistance
No struggle
Just willing and ready for the next level of understanding….

Day 142

The rite of passage.

Carrying on from yesterdays story about my life back in 2008 (OMG nearly a decade ago, crazy!), I thought I’d share about taking my precepts.
In Tibetan Buddhism lay-people can take five precepts:

1.  To protect life and refrain from killing
2.  To respect other’s property and refrain from stealing
3.  To speak the truth and refrain from lying
4.  To respect others and refrain from harmful sexual activity
5.  To embrace health and refrain from intoxicants

So now you can see why I only took FOUR of the five back in 2008.
And I remember that day so clearly because I was super annoyed with myself for not being able to take that fifth vow. But I literally couldn’t even imagine not drinking again. 

I would travel once or twice a year to the monastery in Scotland for teachings and feel so amazing after three or four days in retreat. And that post-retreat high would last until I had that first glass of wine. Sometimes I held out for a few days, sometimes one night, and other retreats it was on the train from Scotland down into London.

Why couldn’t I stop?
Why was I so weak?
Why couldn’t I do this?

I berated myself constantly
I hated living a double life; yoga teacher by day and drunk by night
I knew I could be more, could be happier, but it was too much of a stretch
I hated not reaching my potential, for falling short over and over again.
But HOW could I get out of this torment?

So I sat in the temple on that day in 2008 and took four of the five vows
And I was dead jealous of those that took all of them
But it was simply too much of an ask, I knew I would break the vow, so I settled for the four.

I hoped in my heart that one day I would be able to take the final vow and fully commit to the Buddhist philosophy of being ones very best in life. Of everyday waking up with the intention of stretching myself through knowledge, love and altruism.

I committed also to meditate everyday
And that journey through the years has been very up and down, had highs and lows, resistance, and tears of frustration and joy.
Now it is an intrinsic part of my life, as important as washing and eating.
And of course in 2012 I took my last drink and now do not want, desire or crave intoxication.

Last time I was at the Monastery, nearly one year ago, I requested an ‘interview’ with Lama Yeshe, the Abbot, where he bestowed upon me a blessing and I took that last vow.

It was such a joyful day, that I could finally complete that journey into sobriety.
To feel so SURE that I will never drink or drug again
And to set myself free

It was mega emotional
Like a rite of passage that I had undertaken
And at last I felt at home in my own head and skin
The demons released
The fight gone
I was truly me now
I had come full circle

So I know that it’s possible
I understand the struggle
I have been there
In turmoil
Doing something over and over again that doesn’t make any sense
Knowing in my heart that I can be better
But not knowing how to make that gigantic step

I do know that it’s possible
I’ve done it
I made the jump by constructing a bridge; one that anyone can walk along if they’ve made the decision that they’re ready to reach an unknown shore.
Are YOU?
And would you like the map?

Day 143

Why you won’t find me marching.

I, like many, have watched the pictures of global marches and protests against president Trump but you will never see me at such an event. Now I am of course in favour of equality and human rights but I personally believe that what is being fought for must begin within, and so my own global gesture of unity came yesterday with an extended meditation on SELF LOVE.

We are in a very powerful time in history
A lot is changing
And I see Trump as being just one of many catalysts that are getting people to their feet and into their truth. And we must all heed the calling that we feel in our hearts;
Some will march, others will watch the news and understand the details of what is currently going on and become the politicians of the future, many new communities based around CONNECTION are birthing (such as QS), and much INNER work is now being done.

I live in a house connected to the Gandhi family.
I am going to meet Rohajman Gandhi (Mahatma’s grandson) in April, who has visited my house and knew the previous owner well.

And I, and our business, have taken on the philosophy of Gandhi’s famous quote,
“Be The Change You Want To See In The World”
My actions sprout from these seeds
I live my life from within, not outside of myself
Peace for me comes from inside myself, not from politics
And so my only work is to find it through meditation, self-reflection and actions that only come from congruency to it.

And I have marched for peace in the past
Many times
I was even interviewed for BBC and two other international TV stations back in 2008 on a march
And then I stopped marching and protesting for peace, as I looked around and saw all of the angry faces. I saw the pain and segregation of the fight, and realised I could not be part of this separation any longer. This is that story….

In 2006 I took refuge in India in Tibetan Buddhism and began a period of study into the culture as well as the philosophy (I don’t call it a religion). I learnt about the plight of the Tibetan people and
culture and was shocked at their treatment. I then joined a number of support groups and volunteered one day a week at Free Tibet Campaign and then The Tibet Society.

Also at this time I began a serious meditation practice (independent from yoga).

Because of my volunteering I found out about protests at the Chinese Embassy and marches that were happening through the streets of London.
I joined in
I shouted
I held a banner
I believed that I was making a difference
It felt good

But what always perplexed me was that no one in my Tibetan Buddhist circle was ever at any of these rallies. Why did my two Tibetan worlds not collide? Where were the Buddhists at these protests?
It was a question that I asked over and over again.
I just couldn’t understand it.

Then in 2008 the Olympic torch was run through London and handed over to the UK in readiness for the 2012 Olympic games to be held here. The protests were huge and I arrived early outside the gates of Downing Street, to find that the police had put pro and anti Chinese protesters on opposite sides of the road.

I awoke very early and painted the Tibetan flag on my face and was wearing a ‘Chuba’; the national dress of a Tibetan woman. This is why I attracted a lot of press attention

The interviews were all done before the torch came past, where I talked about “human rights over sport”

And then we got notification that it was close
The huge crowd surged forwards
Everyone was shouting
The anger intensified
And I could feel the collective energy rise

As the torch approached some jumped over the railings and ran towards it, in an attempt to grab it from the runners hands

The police tackled these protesters to the ground
Over and over again
More and more running into the road
The screams getting louder
The faces getting angrier

The runner holding the torch confused
The dancers on the tour bus baffled and bewildered by the commotion, desperately trying to keep to their routine

I felt the crowd behind me push me forwards into the people in front
I felt my own anger bubble up and consume me
Every cell in my body angry at the atrocities against a peaceful people
And this hatred that I now felt spewing out savagely

It was primitive
Unexpected
Collective
Ugly
Totally out of control
And I was shocked

Shocked at how like a pack of animals we had become
Shocked that the mood had shifted so unpredictably
Those that had been happily sharing food and drinks just minutes before, now viciously attacking another human being

And that was the last march I ever went on
In that moment I realised why the Buddhists weren’t on marches
I knew that violence wasn’t the answer
Shouting out loud wasn’t the answer
Making the other wrong wasn’t the answer

For the other thinks they are right
Even when we disagree
And why are WE right and not THEM?
By shouting about our differences we only make the divide wider

And so I sat on my cushion back in 2008 and made the conscious decision to find peace within. I was still drinking back then and had much of my OWN work to do, before I had any right to point the finger at another.

In the nine years since that event I have made the commitment to do the INNER WORK
Find peace in my heart
And share that VIBRATION with the world
I know that my calling now is one of writing about and sharing the message and power of meditation; just like for so many millions marching was right for them this weekend.

Please accept this blog in the nature that it is intended; it’s not political.
It’s not about Trump.
It’s not about the details; more about the bigger picture; the CONNECTION; the ONENESS.
And if you marched over the weekend and you felt empowered that is great; there is definitely a raising of consciousness as peace becomes more of a priority, and could Trump bring about a rising so great that we reach a tipping point?

A question we should all ask is:
Are you doing the INNER WORK and believing that YOU deserve peace, freedom, equality and the right to be happy? 

For that ultimately is where this ‘fight’ will be won; WITHIN
And addiction is much the same too
A gift we are given to look inward and find the answers to our personal truth
Us addicts are lucky to be able to do this as many don’t get the chance
Because our situation becomes critical we get a huge wake up call; just like we are witnessing around the world right now; the two situations are very similar in my eyes:

As humans we seem to NEED things to get severe before we take action
We wait for the siren to sound
And only then do we rise to the challenge
We all have work to do now, to bring about the peaceful world we vision:

“Be The Change You Want To See In The World”

For me it starts and ends (in this lifetime) on my cushion
And I do not judge another for a different journey.
I know how powerful we are collectively, and if we join together in peace IN OUR OWN WAYS AS WE HAVE BEEN CALLED TO DO SO; acting from our hearts rather than our heads, then the future is very very bright indeed.

Day 144

What doe pure love look like?

My meditations over the past few days have been centred on LOVE
I’ve been generating the feeling of LOVE and sending it to the whole of my body, and questioning how I can do this more and delving into exactly how it feels.

For so many years I treated my body badly; perhaps forever, and just recently I seemed to have stepped into a new reality; one where there is ONLY LOVE.

Pounding my body with cocaine, cigarettes, alcohol, sugar, codeine, caffeine, ecstasy, take-away food, preservatives, flavour enhancers, chemicals on fresh produce, etc etc have all taken their toll.

Then add to that toxic mix beliefs, emotions and thoughts such as,
“I’m not good enough”
“I”m not thin enough”
“I’m not pretty enough”
“I’m not clever enough”

The recipe isn’t yet complete as there has also been an unhealthy amount of heavy exercise: running, spinning, weight training: all in the name of health, but actually all executed from a place of fear, of not being fit enough.

 And so I’d like to draw a line under this phase of my life for good.

Ahhhh that felt good!

On this side, from now on, I will only come from a place of being ENOUGH
I AM enough
I AM the perfect weight
I AM pretty
I AM clever

No more self-destruction
No more self-denegration
No more violence towards myself

The energies are more and more subtle now and I am picking up on the slightest imbalance, which sends me off into a tailspin. I told you about my fish and chip debacle a few weeks ago, and at the weekend I ate cheese; OMG it kept me up all night! I tossed and turned and had to drink a pint of water at 3am. I simply don’t want to do that to myself any longer.

So as our journey becomes more and more refined, we bring in more LOVE.

And what would YOUR life look like if there was only LOVE?
If your every belief, thought, word, action, relationship and meal came from a place of LOVE for self?
What would your meditation FEEL like if you bathed yourself in LOVE?

I had an extraordinary message of this during a recent meditation where one of my cats came and sat with me and I was awash with LOVE for her. Because I was in such a deep and clear meditative state the force of what I felt took me aback and I was astonished at it’s power. I could literally feel every cell in my body come alive as they were gifted with pure LOVE.
It was one of the most remarkable experiences because in that moment I realised how different the LOVE we give ourselves is to those around us. Can you imagine what it would be like if you gave the unconditional LOVE you bestow on your pets, children, loved ones TO YOURSELF?! Can you see how life changing that could be? 
And so this is exactly the shift I have had
To flood my body with ONLY LOVE
And I’m excited to see how it reacts to such a decision!
What will it look like when it is vibrating in LOVE rather than resentment?

I eat what nourishes my body
I drink what nurtures my body
I do the kind of exercise that is kind to my body
I commit to meditation to support my mind
I watch my thoughts and ensure they uplift and energise me
Can YOU give yourself this commitment too?
Begin by deciphering exactly WHAT you are saying to yourself, and then begin to shift the self-talk into LOVE based words, thoughts and beliefs rather than fear based ones.

Day 145

Tumbling down the birth canal.

As we float in the womb all of our needs are met
We are given everything unconditionally and effortlessly
It’s warm and cosy
You feel nurtured and protected

Then there is a shock
A period of great turbulence
We are pushed and pulled, squeezed and sometimes stuck
Our quiet and safe world literally turned upside down

“I wanna go back to where it’s safe!”
“I don’t like it along this tunnel!”
“It’s difficult, it’s a struggle, it’s hard!”

And the beginning stages of our sobriety can be a challenge
For we are birthing a new reality
Tumbling down the birth canal towards freedom
IT’S NOT MEANT TO BE EASY!

Although there are one or two who fall into freedom easily, just like some babies are born effortlessly, it’s unusual to find freedom immediately without first a period of struggle. And having a good midwife to advise and support you is crucial for this magical time in your life.

The baby cries as it takes its first breath
Confused as to where it is because it’s not been here before
But it learns, grows and adapts into its new world

And we have to find our way too
A sober world can be daunting at first as we tread in unknown waters
What do we say?
Where do we go?
HOW DO WE COPE?
Without our beloved crutch, who are we? 

Reborn that’s what we are
And it can be scary in this new world
Where perhaps everyone else is ignorant to your plight so it feels as if you are the only one.
Alone
Out in the cold
Crying your newborn little heart out

Personally I had a difficult birth
Meaning my very first experience was one of struggle
I can look back over my life and see that I created obstacles throughout to replicate this initial trauma; over and over again. It my set-point for the first four decades until I released the pattern and broke the chain; changing my story forever

QS is a midwife of sorts
Cradling your sobriety and knowing just what to do
Supporting and guiding the way to your dreams
To the potential that you feel in your heart
…that you KNOW has always been meant for you
NOW is the time to take the next step towards your amazingly bright future….

Day 146

Remove the brainwashing and the lie.

We are bogged down with conditioning in our society, picking up lots of untruths, and must break through all of this if we are to find freedom.
Here are just a few examples of what we are bombarded with of a daily basis:

• Alcohol relaxes you
• Alcohol makes you the life and soul of the party
• Alcohol will support you when you’re upset
• Alcohol helps you to celebrate
• Treat your kids with sweets
• Treat yourself with junk food
• One won’t hurt
• Not drinking alcohol/taking drugs/eating crap is boring
• It’s too difficult to stop
• You are not strong enough

Day 147

the void you’ve always avoided.

If you want to heal you’ve got to go there
Heal the wound that is driving the addiction
Cut the ties that are imprisoning you to the past
So that you can begin to walk forwards

Just like the tide that sucks backwards before the next forward surge we must go there even though we don’t want to.

When we take the substance of choice away
That has been comforting us for so long
There is going to be a VOID
A gap
A wide gaping hole that could be so easy to fall down

What is preventing YOU from looking back?
Why are YOU stuck in so much pain?
WHY WON’T YOU GO THERE?

Now is the time
You have permission to peel back the layer and take a look at what is festering below; it’s not going to disappear just because you pretend it’s not there. And the thing is you CAN’T pretend in meditation; when you sit it finds you; it pulls you into it’s tight grip; AND YOU RESIST.

It’s all normal
We all resist the initial discomfort
We all experience that fear when we’ve decided that we’re ready to take a look at the void; look into the darkness; sit with our demons.

Meditation will do just that
There is nowhere to hide
It’s just you sitting on your cushion
And stepping into the void
Allowing it to surround you, caress you, penetrate you
And the fear is real as it comes
You may cry, scream or shake
But it is the very willingness to go there that will ultimately set you free

So you see how meditation shows you the way
It guides you into the void
Encourages you to GET TO KNOW IT
And wow you suddenly realise that it is ok to cry, scream and shake
You understand that once you are able to go there
The void opens up to freedom
IT BECOMES YOUR SAVIOUR
OMG what you have been resisting all this time is actually THE DOOR to a better world, who knew?!

The VOID is the gap between thoughts that meditators find ever elusive
The VOID is the opportunity
The VOID is a gift that leads us to happiness, contentment and peace

So please do not be scared of it
We have been conditioned to step away from discomfort
But alas what this also means is shutting out freedom

So please do not be scared of it
Join me on the cushion today
Be brave and make the choice to not aVOID the inevitable, for you are destined to walk this path of liberation and freedom, or you wouldn’t be reading this.
It will all be ok you know
I’m excited for you!

Member Quote’s Of The Week.

In this section you will read something that has been said by one of the Quantum Sobriety Online Programme members over on the very lively private forum:

“Thank you for such a beautiful post Jo, I am eternally grateful for the journey you had too that brought you to following your heart and your truth to create this truly wonderful healing space that goes beyond words. Much love xx“