As you know I’ve just done my annual Buddhist fasting and silent retreat and am full of observations and reflections. I have catalogued in the QS book about my feelings of this retreat, beginning many years ago literally thinking I was going to die for we have one meal every 48 hours and on top of that we are silent and no liquid (yes including water) passes our lips for 35 hours.

You may say,

“That is dangerous, you should be allowed to drink water” 

And that is exactly what I thought 12 years ago when I began doing this practice. I’ll write in great detail about why it is BOTH dangerous and not dangerous in next Sundays reflection blog.  Over the years I have gone from thinking I wasn’t going to survive the night with no food or water, to the most horrendous struggle, to this year when IT WAS EASY.

The spiritual journey is a tough one
But sometimes you get the most incredible insights into how far you have come
And this difficult practice last month threw up some valuable lessons
(as it always does)

For the past couple of years I have been working in my own practice to‘give everything away’. Not an easy task that is for sure, but to deeply trust the quantum/universe/source or whatever you want to call the infinite wisdom that we are made of, is the biggest teaching of all in my opinion.

For who are we to question infinite wisdom (I feel like calling it that today, but replace your own term should you wish)? We get so fixed on what we WANT or DESIRE that we get in the way of what we were meant to receive, which I can assure you is far more exciting than anything you could think up in your limited mind.

And when you get this
You will never be the same again
For you will fully realise
That NOTHING that you can think up in your head is as amazing as what is waiting for you if you trust infinite wisdom
So
Can you?

I tested this out on retreat
I decided ahead of time that I was not going to struggle, be tired, or even feel hungry or thirsty, during the fasting periods (every other day).
Pretty big ask eh
But guess what?

I felt absolutely NO negative effect from the practice
Only the positives
And I enjoyed every single second
Compare this to 2011 and 2012
When I wrote this in my diary:

2011

“This is dreadful, I’m starving, no one should be putting themselves through this, I don’t think I can survive the night without water. I want to S C R E A M.’
‘In the 1st session my back hurt, my mind played tricks with me and I really doubted I could make it.’

‘I hope this retreat will get my meditation practice back into regularity.”

2012

“Still in shock that I put my alarm on for 5 this morning and actually got up and had a shower – that’s never happened before!’
‘Have severe pain in my back and don’t think I can continue with the practice, can’t sleep, can’t sit up straight in meditation, all I want to do is cry :’( helllllppppp’

‘Last year I felt so fabulous after I got home and lost it all completely as soon as I had a drink…this year I will not let that happen.”

It’s all in your head
You create your reality
I am the same person doing the same retreat
Yet having a totally different experience

And it’s not that I am a more seasoned faster now, because there were plenty of people this year on retreat that have done it more times than me that were really struggling with heart palpitations, weakness, and extreme hunger.

It’s all in your head
You create your reality
And I made the choice – AHEAD OF TIME – of how I was going to feel

And all the way through the retreat I kept giving whatever arose away
“I am not this, I am not this, I am not this”
Over and over
Whatever thought came
“I am not this, I am not this, I am not this”

And then resting in what remains
AWARENESS
It is a beautiful place to be
Of acceptance
And pure love