I used to count the days
It was important for me at the time to SEE the sober number rising
For in the beginning it felt like I was out there all alone
Fighting for my life
And nobody understood

As a functioning addict, to the outside world, there is nothing wrong
You are a manipulator
You’ve hidden your ‘problem’ well
Nobody knows the internal hell you are embroiled in
So how could anyone support you when they don’t know what’s going on

“But YOU haven’t got a problem”

Is what those close to me said
For all they saw was the fake smile I applied like lip gloss
Feigning the happy yoga teacher image I chose to portray

But the thing was it was a lie
Yes I was teaching yoga and meditation
But
I was too hungover each morning to sit on my cushion
I often lied about my own practice; pretending to do it
And then feeling even worse about myself because not only wasn’t I doing it, but I was now lying about doing it too

My whole existence felt incongruent
I was dishonest to everyone
Telling them all only what they wanted to hear
And scared shitless that someone would find out that I was a fraud

In the few years before I finally took my last drink I was also heavily addicted to codeine
I’d wake up hungover and need a ‘hit’ of something to even get out of bed (and taking them on an empty stomach gave you a better high anyway). Then I’d procrastinate and slop around the house, finally beginning work after lunch most days; I’d created my life around my problem, not teaching classes until the afternoon and evening. Come evening classes and I’d need another ‘hit’ of something, popping more pills to ‘get me through’. And it wasn’t like I didn’t enjoy teaching! This wasn’t about that, what I much later found out about myself was that this need to use was all about something so much deeper…

Mistrust
And a misunderstanding of my power
For NOBODY had taught me, in my whole life, how to empower myself

This is a fundamental problem of our age
We are bombarded with photoshopped images of beauty in magazines, of celebrity ‘success’, and what happiness should ‘look’ like, yet at the same time besieged with heavy and invested advertising from the food, drink, and pharmaceutical industry. This social conditioning makes it literally impossible to be happy with the way we look, so we go searching for something OUTSIDE of ourselves over and over again.

Society NEVER tells us to look inside
Society NEVER tells us that we have the answer already within
For there is no money in you getting better
You are far more easily controlled if you drink, smoke, eat crap, buy fake magazines, and listen to the news on waking. This may seem like a rant, but is merely a reflection of who I USED to be six years ago. At a time that I would scour the supermarket wine isle looking for the bargains so that I could drink more that night; drowning my sorrows about how unhappy I was because I didn’t live up to societies expectation.

When I stopped drinking the pressure to conform began to dissolve too
My meditation practice then also increased, because I wasn’t hungover and had a ton of energy
EVERYTHING changed
The inner conversation shifted
My outer experience lifted
And I began to see clearly for the first time EVER
At 41 years old I had my very first EVER sober holiday
I was not addicted to anything for the first time EVER in adulthood

I’ve never looked back
No longer wish to be trapped in any area of my life
I set myself free
Saw our social conditioning, in all areas, for what it is
And it feels good
So now
I would never give it away to anyone, or anything, ever again
I’m having the best time
Life is so great sober
Here is to the next six sober years, and beyond!