I think I will always continue to have therapy
Well
Who get’s ‘there’ anyway
And
Are we all not on a constant journey to get to know ourselves better and better

As you know my current work on myself has been around WORRY
And how this has been a lifelong weight in my life
Yet
I didn’t even realise just how paralysing it has been
Until recently when
I was truly ready to unpick the stitches of the intricate cocoon I have created
One that I have perceived protects me from the dangers of the world
But that now feels suffocating
It really is time for this caterpillar to break free so that it can become the true expression of its potential
My therapist, Anni, said:

“What would it feel like NOT to be in control” 

The question shook me
And I found that I couldn’t look her in the eye
So I asked Anni to write it down for me, and over the next week took the piece of paper into my meditation to ponder. And right from day one the question made me feel physically sick; it was like the rug had been pulled from out underneath my feet; or like walking into a room only to discover there is no floor, only space.

It was of course the perfect question
At the most perfect time

So I sat
And sat
Mused over it
Looked at the question from different angles
And continued to feel physically sick
On the fourth day of doing this I had to finish my practice earlier than planned because I thought I was actually going to be sick, and didn’t want to do so live on facebook 😂
The following day I had a breakthrough…

As I turned the question inside out, back to front, and upside down
I realised that by worrying about EVERYTHING I was taking responsibility for stuff that simply
W A S
N O T
M I N E

Why was I worrying about if other people are uncomfortable (their karma)
Why was I worrying incessantly about my cat or dog getting hurt (their karma)
Why was I worrying about inanimate objects breaking (they can be replaced)
Why was I taking the RESPONSIBILITY of the whole world onto my narrow shoulders

IT IS EXHAUSTING
To do so
And I was done with it

Then
An affirmation popped into my mind,

“I do my best, and then let go” 

So simple
Yet so profound

I knew that this was it
The very next step to lead me out of the torture I had created for myself
And was perpetuating pretty much every minute of every day of my life

Then the tears came
The relief
I DIDN’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT EVERY GODDAMN THING ANY LONGER
It was true
The time had come

Over the next few weeks I noticed how I was already lifting the heavy weight of responsibility that wasn’t mine. I’d given myself permission, and life got a whole load lighter. Isn’t it funny how once we shift our mindset around something, very quickly we cannot believe we used to think that way.

When worry arose I automatically said to myself,
‘It’s not mine. I do my best, and then let go’
‘It’s not mine. I do my best, and then let go’
‘It’s not mine. I do my best, and then let go’
‘It’s not mine. I do my best, and then let go’

Over and over again
And do you know what?
It was easy!

This is the journey
Slowly slowly we keep taking baby steps
And then all of a sudden 💥BOOM!💥
Everything changes
And life will never be the same again

Then two weeks later I had lunch with friends in a city that I’ve only been to once before, and had never driven to. I was uncomfortable as I didn’t know where I was going or where to park, but all was good and it was a lovely day. On the way out of the city I sat in a long line of traffic waiting for the lights to change, but they didn’t, they remained on red for around 30 minutes. Some cars in front of me turned around and went the other way, and others jumped the red light when it would appear the light shouldbe green.

I began to worry
What was I going to do when I got to the front?
I didn’t know this traffic light sequence because I’d never been here before
I felt the familiar contraction in my belly from worry
And began to breath deeply to soothe myself

The two cars in front of me jumped the red light, leaving me exposed at the front of the queue
Then the traffic began to move across me and I had a couple of minutes of total fretting whilst I couldn’t do anything at all
WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO???!!!!

And then
After 30 minutes of red light
With me sitting right at the front of the line
The lights went GREEN

I laughed so loud to myself alone in the car
At the quantum playing jokes on me
Testing me
And I hadn’t trusted
I hadn’t believed that it was all going to be ok
I didn’t pass the test

But I did learn from it
I would trust more now
This quantum prank had done its job!