The 9th of September will never be the same again as this time ten years ago at 9am on 09-09-09 I went bankrupt and was a hungover debt-ridden mess. I’d taught my meditation class the night before, thinking the whole way through how I was going to run into the supermarket afterwards and buy wine so that I could numb out from the pain I was feeling; this in turn led to even more self-flagellation. Shame for having such a thought whilst teaching what should be a sacred exchange had become just one of the many self derogatory conversations I had with myself in this period. That night I taught one of my set pieces so I didn’t have to really ‘think’ and this was certainly before I began to channel what I teach, and none of my students had any idea what their teacher was going through during those 30 minutes.
However these words are encouraging ones
For I have changed so much in the past ten years
My life has transformed into a living breathing manifestation of all the dreams I had that day as I stood in court and was declared bankrupt. It was to be the turning point; reaching rock bottom, and not knowing what was going to happen as I was in totally unknown territory. Nobody that I knew had been bankrupt, so I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I felt. Yet on that awful day, the worst of my life thus far, a trap door opened and I was set free.
It was the worst day of my life – actual experience in the moment
And the best day of my life – in hindsight
That evening, perhaps even on return home from the court I cannot remember, I drank more wine; blotted it out, the utter failure that I felt, my life it literal tatters. 37 years old and absolutely not a single bean to my name. But of course this would be the exact new course trajectory that I had now set myself upon; one of deep spiritual connection and a building of inner trust and faith, all on the bed of material loss.
It was the turning point
A fresh page in a new book
The drinking would continue for a few more years;
and its cease would be when the true healing could begin
But for now, ten years ago today, I would start to rebuild my life EXACTLY THE WAY I WANTED IT TO BE. I’d made my first vision board a few years earlier and watched‘What The Bleep Do You Know’ already about 50 times, and so was familiar with the concept of what you believe you become. And so I set out to consciously create the life that I wanted, from nothing, starting with my business. I’d already been working for myself for nearly ten years so knew the highs and lows of entrepreneurship, but I made a pact with myself that day to truly listen to what my heart was saying in regards to how I show up and earn money in the world. To this day I have only taken on work that I really wanted to do and that has a positive spiritual impact in the world, and I’m successful beyond my wildest dreams and have supported many in finding theirs too. I adore my role as guiding light.
But I knew I would never go back on my word of 09-09-09 and even though times have sometimes been uncertain, there is a deeper trust that everything is as it is supposed to be; to the point that now I thrive in the depth of uncertainty, but that is for another blog…